My heart is broken.
I am depressed.
My eyes are red and puffy from all the crying.
Why? Because my son is developmentally delayed.
When you plan to have a child, you don't expect bad things to happen, like your water breaking at 28 weeks. I remember that day very vividly, I was terrified. At this point though it's not the prematurity that was the hard part, it's the life long damages Layne has suffered.
Everyone has hopes and dreams for their children. I love spongebob and I always knew that my child would love spongebob just as much as me. I imagined us cuddled up on the couch watching it together. I hate that Layne will never know what spongebob is, in fact he'll never even know what he looks like. I don't even watch spongebob anymore because it is a sad reminder of those dreams.
We live in an apartment complex with lots of little kids, and because it is summer time they are running around playing everywhere. Lately I've been finding it extremely difficult not to get upset while I sit outside and see them playing. Please understand that I do not wish this on any person in the world, I just wish that my child was healthy enough to run and play and see the world. It's heartbreaking for me to know that will never happen.
It's heartbreaking to see parents who don't appreciate the healthy children they have been given.
Going through something like this is very difficult. But the hardest part about it all is feeling like your in it all alone. I truly feel like no one wants to hear about my problems, no one wants to be around someone who is feeling down all the time. No one ever says, "hey how are you feeling" or "are you handling this ok"(with the exception of some wonderful church members). And let me tell you what that answer is, I'M NOT OK. I just want to scream it, I'M JUST NOT OK. It's harder when you and your husband both feel the exact same way and have no idea what to say to each other.
I've been told that i'm so strong, and guess what I'm not. Or if I am I certainly don't see it.
I realize that everyone in this world has problems. I also realize that many others have it much worse than we do. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I CAN'T BE SAD, OR CRY ABOUT IT. Because I have EVERY right to be sad and cry. Just like anyone else who has a problem they want to cry about. I am human, and I have feelings just like anyone else.
I am lonely too. No one comes by or calls, I don't really have many friends. And maybe I've pushed people away, I don't know, if I have I am truly sorry, it was unintentional. But it's hard when you've got no one to talk to, because you just keep it bottled up inside, until you go crazy and write a blog like this one! Like my preacher said, you can be in a room full of people but be the loneliest person in the room, and that's exactly right. If Layne were ok, I could go visit anyone, but he's not and I can't. I wish we could just hop in the car and go, but that's not the case. Instead of driving through McDonald's for a happy meal on the way to a friends, we would have to bring a suitcase for everything Layne needs. Plus the fact that he screams in the car and cries all the time, so I'm sure no one wants that around.
And let me just say. I love Layne with all my heart and if this had never happened to him, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I would be like any other mother who occasionally took their healthy kids for granted. But it's hard to see his cute little face everyday and think about how cute he would be if he could only run around and get into trouble. And to top that off I have dreams about it often, only to wake up heartbroken. It just plain stinks.
And I know that everything happens for a reason, and as my preacher said it will get easier. But sometimes I just want those easier days to be here already. And I will keep holding onto that hope. I know there is a purpose for all of this, and someday I hope to help someone in the same situation. Layne is a blessing, a blessing straight from the Lord, and I will never take one single accomplishment for granted, you can count on that.
If you have made it this far, thanks for taking the time to read this. Sorry for this crazy post, but I just really hoped that the EEG looked better. There's no correcting developmental delay, and that's a hard thing to accept.
I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART LAYNE!
8 comments:
Kirsten .... I feel like such a heel for not reading this in a couple of weeks. My blogging on Kadin has slowed down so I haven't checked since I last blogged here. I am so sorry you are feeling like this, but I would have to think it is absolutely and perfectly normal for you to feel the way you feel. I just wish there was something I could do for you. I wish there was something I could do for Layne. I am not trying to pacify you with cliche sayings, but I know that God is in control here. There IS a purpose, and I'm glad you realize it. If I lived closer, I would come visit you. You are such a special person to me, always giving without question or hesitation ... and I know it's no excuse but I have been so wrapped up in my own troubles that I haven't seen anyone else's, and that's horrible of me. I know for a fact that, as a Christian, if we help others with their troubles, worries, and cares, God will give us a peace with our own troubles, and I have neglected to do that. I think of you all often, and check out Layne's new pics every time you post some. I can't believe how much he changes ... his little face looks more and more like a little boy's than a baby .... and he just smiles all the time. It warms my heart.
I was thinking about what you said in your blog, about not even watching Spongebob because of the painful reminders of your dreams that will never come to pass ... and I sooo understand that. I went thru the same thing about music. I am a music lover, and something traumatic happened in my life that caused my listening to music to be too painful for me to bare (sp) ?? So I can relate. It's better for me to just avoid it all together than to face it, and maybe that's wrong, but it's how I have to deal with it.
I just want you to know that I am here for you, I will always want to hear what you have to say, your worries, fears, accomplishments for Layne, all of it . . . To some degree, I do understand and am here for you always.
Big Hugs for you and Layne...
Leslie
Reading this post brought tears to my eyes. Your feelings are so familiar to me...I'm still in the process of mourning over the lost dreams I had for us. Even if it is normal, it doesn't make it any easier, does it?
I'm still where you are, so I don't have any insightful advice to offer you. But, know that we share in your grief, and we are all here to listen.
I can't quit thinking about the comment you made about some parents taking their healthy children for granted sometimes. That is so my thought too. It makes me want to scream! I can't stand to hear parents say that their kids are annoying them with "mama, mama, mama" or that they're too much work. If they only knew. I would give anything to hear "mama" just once. Just once. Ya, know?
And, I don't go out much either. Austin has so many limitations and people just don't get it sometimes. It's easier just to stay home where it's comfortable.
Okay, so I've rambled on enough...My point is that you are not alone in your feelings. I wish I could say it's gets easier..but I'm still working on that myself.
Layne is such a beautiful, precious boy...I know he's the reason you get up and keep fighting every day. Look at each day as one day down. One day stronger.
I wish you lived closer so you and Layne could spend time with us.
I'm glad you vented. To get your feelings out there...so that you know there are people who care. It takes a long time to pick up the pieces after having your hopes and dreams shattered...and it may be something you never get over but I hope it gets easier for you.
Big (((HUGS))) from the cyber world and I know it is not the same as a real hug but just know that there are people out there thinking about you.
Kirsten, I don't know if you remember me but I am Joshua's cousin Jenny (Petree) Harris. My mom, my kids & I met you at the mall the day you had the walk for Epilepsy at the zoo. Ever since I met you and cute little Layne I have been keeping up with your blog. I like to check to see how all 3 of you are doing. I have been praying for Layne and his continued development and good health & I've been praying for you and Joshua to continue to have strenthgh to take care of your sweet baby. The pic's you post of him are so adorable.
From the short time I spent with you and from reading all your blogs I can see your wonderful, unconditional love for Layne. I hope and pray the absolute best for Joshua, you and Layne.
Kirsten-
I know how hard it is for you and I wish I could make it all better. I am sorry you feel that others don't care. I do care and I love you and I want to be as much help as possible. If nothing else know that you can always talk to me. I hope I can come over Thursday or Friday-I have hardly coughed at all so it should be ok. I love you!
This post http://bit.ly/PFuZP is dedicated to you. Because you truly are incredible for what you do. Thank you for showing the rest of us mothers what it means to love, and to keep loving when love runs out.
Love,
Daphne
I don't mean to make light of your situation, but that was a beautiful vent.... it brought tears to my eyes... what mother of a child with the challenges ahead of him like Layne has could so eloquently put everything in words that make us understand your perspective.
I know it is hard. Just know I love you, and I love Layne (and I think Josh has been a great father, more than I would have ever expected, and I am proud of your choice).
I love you!
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