I Would Have Known

I'm starting to realize that if I would have had Lexi first, I would have recognized everything that was wrong with Layne from the beginning. I would have noticed the stiff legs, the clenched hands, the blank stares. All which I thought were normal of a newborn. I would have noticed the poor appetite, the strange crying, and I most definitely would have caught on to the seizures sooner.

I'm not sure which would have been better, knowing or not knowing? Some say ignorance is bliss, I'm not so sure.

I remember the first time I really thought something was wrong. It was when we went to visit a preemie friend that was in the NICU with Layne. She was born at 29 weeks on the same day as Layne. She was doing things Layne most definitely was not. The way she moved was different. That's when I started to know.

It makes me wonder how many friends and family members noticed before me? Why didn't they say something. I guess to protect my feelings, which that is ok. But I would have liked to know, because maybe it wouldn't have been as devastating to find it out all at once. It makes me angry that the doctors he was seeing at the time(he is seeing different ones now) didn't tell me anything, but instead tried to sugar coat it. When they found the brain damage we were told he might have learning disabilities. Learning disabilities? I'd give anything for it to be just that.

None of this matters now. What matters is Layne's life. I am glad he is here, I'm glad he is semi-healthy. I know it could be worse. But I would give ANYTHING for him to be a normal, dirty, trouble making little boy. He is a complete joy though and I love him more than words can express.